Coverage Plans (Parody)
Coverage before the edge gets you.
Choose a tier built for edge anxiety, ice wall detours, and accidental exposure to globe-shaped content. Serious layout. Not-serious coverage.
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Compare plans (with extremely serious checkmarks)
Bronze
$9/mo*
Billed monthly (in totally real dollars)
✓
Edge Anxiety Coverage (basic reassurance)
✓
Ice Wall Detour Reimbursement (up to 1 detour/yr)
✓
Globe Misinformation Exposure (limited)
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Emergency Compass Calibration (email only)
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Fine print: *Price increases during equinoxes.
Most Popular
Silver (Most Popular)
$19/mo*
Billed monthly (plus a small “map handling” fee)
✓
Edge Anxiety Coverage (enhanced)
✓
Ice Wall Detour Reimbursement (up to 3 detours/yr)
✓
Globe Misinformation Exposure (moderate)
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24/7 Hotline (operators may be on a lunch break)
✓
Fine print: *Subject to lunar mood swings.
Edge Elite
$39/mo*
Billed monthly (priority processing by our Edge Response Team)
✓
Edge Anxiety Coverage (maximum calm)
✓
Ice Wall Detour Reimbursement (unlimited-ish)
✓
Globe Misinformation Exposure (premium shielding)
✓
Personal Navigator (may be a very confident intern)
✓
Fine print: *“Unlimited-ish” defined by vibes.
Popular add-ons (because worry loves options)
Ice Wall GPS+™
Turn-by-turn directions that confidently reroute you away from “suspicious curvature.”
Edge Proximity Alerts
Gentle notifications when you’re within 500 miles of the edge (estimated).
Globe Content Filter
Auto-mutes spherical imagery. May also mute basketball highlights.